An email interview with Tanya Pouwhare
Tanya: haha yes ignore everything, that is like the label of a chocolate bar - tells you the ingredients but doesn't describe the flavour.
Joi: What do you taste like? If I was born with the unfortunate omission of taste buds, how would you describe what I'd taste if I licked you? (right now, as people can taste different from time to time, obviously).
Tanya: That’s hard, if you had no taste buds – you’d have no reference – like City Of Angels when Meg Ryan tried to describe a pear to Nicolas Cage...I don’t taste sweet and gritty. Actually may be do? *licks arms* ohhh coco butter.
Joi: What face do you make when you say 'harumph'? you say this on twitter a lot. And I always think "wonder what face she's making"
Tanya: Think of a chubby baby face with a screwed nose and puckered mouth. It’s my “life ain’t fair, and yes I’m naive enough to expect it to be” face (scroll down for an image of 'harumph').
Joi: Guess which sentence represents you in this paragraph?
Thank you my 8 crushes: who inspire, give, laugh, irritate, aggravate, count ducks, hold hands, turgle, obsessively examine their every thought to the point of brain failure, being factual in tricky areas of the human heart, deal with being honest even when it feels like daggers to the ass, flirt to give as much as it is to take (generous flirting is a rare thing), play in a way that puts a 5 year olds imagination to shame, loyal, generous, don't die from cancer, deal with the consequences of an inner mind that doesn't match outer minds and understand what I mean when I say "I'm constructively depressed, not cronically depressed".
Tanya: All of the above – I get analysis paralysis, am a hopeless romantic, am a bit of a flirt whore, I’m still alive, and am constantly amazed at life’s little things – like finger nails – imagine if they didn’t exist, how’d you get the corn kernel out at the movies?
Joi: Are you constructively depressed too?
Tanya: I think everyone has a black hole that you fall into occasionally. Depends your sense of direction, how quickly you turn around and dig yourself out.
Joi: Your black hole music pacifier?. Mine
Tanya: Yes. I really do need to get a handle on my loins! Some guys should come with a tag, like the washing instructions on a nice dress, least that way you’d know if they should be hand washed or drop kicked.
Joi: Couldn't agree more, all humans should come with washing instructions, what would yours be?
Tanya: Made to get dirty, but treat with care. Lining not attached all the way round, so don’t turn inside out. Warm wash with love, air dry in the sun.
Joi: I'm glad I know how to care for you now. I'd ask my mate Zoe Broadway to mend your linings, as that chick can sew and is kind enough to mend linings.
Tanya: I think linings are good attached in bits – then they don’t cling. I don’t do clingy, in fact if you’re completely not interested, I tend to like you more – why is that?
Joi: I'm unsure as I'm the total opposite, if someone isn't interested in me, I'm not interested in them as we probably don't have much in common. Unless they are Tim Minchin and don't know I exist but I still want to stroke their hair and lick their eyeliner.
Joi: Could it be that you like the challenge? A mystery is often a wonderful thing, you could love solving puzzles and mounting someone with your long legs as a reward? (if you get hit on by men who pretend not to be interested in you after this interview, thank me with gluten free cupcakes).
Tanya: ohhh a mystery – yes it must be that! I always want to flick to the back page to see how it all ends – then happy to forget about it. Solving mysteries is way cooler. I don’t want to be paid to travel the world anymore, I want to be a detective when I grow down. Not only so I can wear gorgeous dress suits, which I think Melbourne does SO well, but I can also remove my glasses in slow motion, while shaking my hair loose. I think I’d make a great detective. “Tanya, you are amazing, you’ve solved it!” “Yes, Chuck, but I couldn’t have done it without you...let’s make out”
Tanya: Yes it does – I can’t believe you forgot! We are twins. We both can’t burp, enjoy farting and have wonderful tails. Oh and we both like gin.
Joi: I bloody forgot all that? I must have other twins too. I'm not exclusive with twinage hope that's ok. I've been twinning around. While we're here, what is bloody up with twitter and #justsaying why does everyone keep saying that? it pisses me off nearly every day. Its non committal and lazy like the FB like button.
Tanya: I think it’s become the socially acceptable way of judging others. You put your holy than thou opinion out there then soften it with the hash tag.
Joi: Yeah its the equivalent of 'I hope you don't mind me saying... BUT your mother looks like a whorish monkey'
Tanya: My momma gone kick your Donkay ass! Sorry, slipped into a big black woman voice there for a sec – which coincidentally some people thought I sound like when I did radio way back when. In fact the quote was “you sound like a big Maori chick with tatts on her face”. Chur bro.
Joi: I've heard you're very tall and have insanely beautiful, long, legs. It will help if we posted a photo of your legs here. Help as in help me get more readers. I hope you send me a photo, no one likes a selfish long legged person.
Tanya: Hahahahahahaha ummm..well the legs part – I have a disproportionate length of leg to upper body. You know how you put your arms out – that supposed to be how tall you are – from finger tip to finger tip. Well I’m taller, somehow? Do it now : stretch your arms out, put one hand [finger tips] on the ground, and the other stretch it up a wall. Not mark where the second finger tips come to. That’s how tall you should be.
Joi: That is way way too much work for a Monday, all I wanted was a photo of your legs to attract more readers, a good twin would show skin for the good of the other twin's traffic! Btw I can't say this enough, tall people should totally pay special attention to boogers. Us short people can see up your noses - yeah like FULLY. We see everything and its pretty irresponsible when you think about it. You don't see short people walking around with dirty scalps not thinking about tall people. Have you used your legs as a weapon?
Tanya: No, but apparently I’m perfectly formed for rock climbing, swing the leg over. This is also handy in other areas.
Joi: How do your generously long and beautiful legs help with shagging? please be precise.
Tanya: BAHAHAHAHA I’m surprised you didn’t ask for a diagram. Being a monkey the obvious is being able to wrap them round the shaggee [or the is he the shagger?] several times like a spring. You gotta be careful you don’t unwind too fast – as I have been propelled across the room before – a bad dismount can end in tears.
Joi: HAHAHAHHAHAHA! (that's a real big laugh not a LOL).
Tanya: I hate being lifted up, thrown against the wall on occasion yes, but not lifted. Long legs tend to cancel out the need to do that – look I’m high enough...no need to lift me any higher *nervous grin*
Tanya: If we met – would you hump my leg?
Joi: I probably would. Especially if you oiled it, think tropical surprise, coconut oil mmmm or skip the oil just Malibu Rum and whipped cream, with a strawberry on each knee, something for me to look forward to after all that work up your terrain. We'd have to break it up into a two day activity, you know what they say, more haste more grazes, a rolling hump gathers more grazes etc
Tanya : *makes note to buy cherries and wet wipes*
Joi: You have never complimented me. You should do it now - in length. And also dedicated a song to me.
Tanya: You have a bad memory, but this is about complimenting so I will move on...
You’re hair is lush and thick,
your eyes like the moon is lit.
A crafty hand, and skilful mind,
a cheeky tongue and a hug that’s kind
- I have to assume you give kind hugs – you look like a good hugger, not afraid of contact – like the bum-out huggers.
Joi: You've said 'hugs' way too many times. Who have you been speaking to? Anyone who's met me knows I'm an awkward hugger. And I lose it with people who do the two pecks on cheeks and hug thing (two peck huggers are a challenge). I never know which side to start with of where to put my arms so mostly, I fold them or shake hands. The best thing to do when people are leaving is to make sure you're holding something like a heavy bag, then just nod "yeah, seeya" but some idiots try to hug you even when you're holding a heavy bag - humans! - it takes all sorts to sort sorts.
Joi: I guess you're a hugger? Many tall people are.
Tanya: oh yip – I’m a hugger alright! I would hug you even if you were already inside your car – I’d reach in and do that awkward reach around hug. I’ve been known to hold hugs too long. If I’m getting satisfaction from it – why should I end your uncomfortableness, then no one wins. Maybe you need to hug more? Get used to how it feels? Your challenge is to hug a stranger – next new person you meet – just lean over and plant one on em. It gets easier.
Joi: I have no interest in your challenge. And if you hug me and linger, I'll kick your shin (I'm about the right size to cause damage) and when you're on the ground, rolling around in pain, I'll hump your leg.
Tanya: where did all this aggression come from? You should never kick a hugger – we are very sensitive people. Ok sorry I obviously didn’t quite grasp how ingrained your anti-hugness is. Why not start with a tree? And feel free to kick all you want – get it all out.
Joi: Do you tweet from the toilet much?
Joi: A couple of weeks back you started a new business on twitter and called yourself 'Mistress Tanya', please tell us about that and how successful you were.
Tanya: Would you consider a singles cruise? Heading around the islands with a half boat load of single men? Could this be my next venture?
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Joi: Do you tweet from the toilet much?
Tanya: I tweet pretty much everywhere, I have sat there longer because of a good tweet conversation, chuckling away. Have you ever sat on the loo so long – that when you get up the toilet has left a ring around your bum, that kind of hurts?
Joi: No, I may be bum challenged. But I do tweet from the toilet, then you know ... send some people DMs saying guesssss where I'm tweeting froooooom. Well mainly @digitalkulcha I txt her live poop reports, she seems to like it. You should engage with her scatologically.
Tanya: I have had so many convos about poo recently, a friend tried the olive oil detox [insert gag reflex] she poo’d in a bucket to see it – it all came out like a connected one metre rope. Odd. And most satisfying I’d expect?
Joi: To be honest 1 metre of poo would give me anxiety. The perfect poo, you know the one? You experience it maybe 3 times in your life. It comes out whole, slips away as if it never existed, absolutely no skid marks and there's no need for any paper work.
Tanya: I get anxiety if I haven’t poo’d in a day. I am very regular. We have bowel cancer in our family, so my mum installed in us from a young age, no matter where you are – if you need to go, GO. I have a friend who went to an all girls boarding school where they ridiculed you for going [girls are so bitchy] now she has anxiety about public loos or houses of people she doesn’t know. The pain she was in on Easter Break – I took her to MacDonalds, and stole the “washing in progress do not enter” sign in front of the doors for her. Poor thing. Imagine not being able to poo?!!!
Joi: What do you want to be when you grow down? and your favourite song to hum?
Tanya: Always wanted to be Judy Bayley – she was Mother To The Nation [our national news reader] I practised in the mirror in the bathroom, kneeling on the sink – telling myself all the fabulous news of what I did that day. But now I’d settle for being paid to fly around the world. Not like a trolly dolly, more like a paid back packer.
Humming is in my genes, my dad is never actually silent. Ever. I don’t hum songs – more beats. I have an OCD when it comes to counting and beats – like when I walk into a kitchen, I count the cupboards [don’t know why], and then count them in my head to a beat. Then hum the beat. Do you have an OCD, you strike me to be someone who would be slightly fanatical about some things.
Joi: Smiling at your OCD and your humming Dad (also thinking about how I could feed your OCD when we meet). I have a highly destructive name fetish.
Tanya: I have a fetish for high vis vests. When I drive through road works – I have to slow down and control my breathing. It’s quite an errotic experience. Something about the fluro yellow, over strong tanned arms....ohhhh I’m all flush just thinking about it!
Joi: A couple of weeks back you started a new business on twitter and called yourself 'Mistress Tanya', please tell us about that and how successful you were.
Tanya: HAHA I noticed there were a few pretty ladies, who seemed intelligent and together, who were single, and thought - why the hell are you not shacked up? There seemed to be a few single men complaining about finding it hard to meet women also. So I stepped in to facilitate, pimping them out on twitter – or as I called it Twimping them out. I had a few DM’s from women, and a few half hearted joke @ replies from guys. But it never really got anywhere. I am still single as are half a dozen hot ladies from OZ and NZ. A rather shoddy first go at the Twimping Business if you ask me! #TwipingFail
Tanya: Would you consider a singles cruise? Heading around the islands with a half boat load of single men? Could this be my next venture?
Joi: Sounds like Caligula on water, no thanks.
Joi: Tell us what you're looking for in a guy in terms of: Heart, Mind, Looks, Knees, Interests and Toys (yeah I was totally PC with that sequence).
Tanya: Oh I’m a simple kinda gal I think – kind heart, ambitious, nice smile, knees are preferable, someone who can laugh at life but knuckle down when needed. And taller than me. I have a thing of strong legs, and a big back, I’m a girly girl at heart, and want to feel protected – not like Obelix though, any man who wears blue and white stripe pants – pulled up to his man boobs I don’t think I could hold a convo with without hooting with laughter. But at the end of the day – if there is no spark, then doesn’t matter what they bring to the table – you can’t write a prescription for love – it either whacks you over the head like a lightning bolt or fizzes like a 4 yr old sparkler that’s a bit damp...no matter how hard you blow on it – it ain’t ever gonna fire up.
Joi: What do you fear the most?
Tanya: dying alone. I have a recurring dream that gives me a quite sense of calm about it though. An old lady with grey flowing hair, soft pinky skin that is creased with memories, sitting in an old cane chair, under an enormous fig tree. As she watches young kids yelling and screaming with laughter up and down the hill, a small smile grows on her weather worn face. She plays with her simple gold wedding band at peace. As she closes her eyes, she slips off to sleep. Forever. I hope I am her. That would be a nice way to go.
Joi: I hope your linings never turn inside out and you eventually die well.
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Tanya Pouwhare is a cheeky monkay with a beautiful heart, long legs and a genuine, dirty mind. Handle her with care. Tanya is a Kiwi monkeying around in Sydney. Follow Tanya on Twitter at @tjpou I've never met Tanya, I hope we met in June for the Oodlies Solo exhibition (Melbourne 2011) which features artwork inspired by my 8 crushes including Tanya. View exhibition details.
Comments
arms" hahahaha. you two are awesome. This has been a pleasure reading. :)
my baby, she's my baby, yeah, it's alright. She's got hair down to her fanny* She's kinda jet set, try undo her panties. Everytime she's dancin' she knows what to do. Everybody wants to see if she can use it. She's so fine, she's all mine, girl, you got it
right. She's got legs, she knows how to use them. She never begs, she knows how to choose them. She's got a dime all of the time, stays out at night movin' through time. Oh, I want her, said, I got to have her, the girl is alright, she's alright. *Fanny is
Yank term for bottom.